LET GO... to LET IN !

`Putra kuputra ho sakta hai, par Mata Kumata nahin ho sakti`

As an adolescent, I had heard these words in a famous mythological tele-series. Some words leave a deep impression on our minds.

Forgiving is easier or forgetting, I am sure no one can really come to a conclusion ever.. . .But one thing am sure about is . . .you choose either. . .to forgive or forget. . .you need a mellow ego. You have to kill some part of inner self in doing so, especially when the person in question is someone who brought you into the world…but not if the person is no more.

I had, I wouldn`t say great, but a good relationship, with my Dad. He was cool about everything, to the extent of sometimes being too lenient, with not only me but others as well. Nevertheless he was a Dad every child would love to have. . .

Two chocolates, in his shirt pocket, everyday, for only me, for as long as I grew old enough to replace it with wada -pav,

Once when I was at my Grand-Parents home, for three days, he actually got six in his pockets. Isn't that sweet?

Then came my teenage phase, when I never had to bother about pocket money. My wallet was always full, for the simple reason that he would put in the notes as soon as they got over. I never had to ask. To a great extent, my belief in infinite abundance stems from this.

When I told him I was in love with a girl and wanted to marry her, he actually suggested, we meet over for lunch. We met and over a wonderful sumptuous Chinese fare we chatted.

My crazy, I want to be Photographer phase. He bought me a Nikon SLR, worth 10 k. I still possess it, though film rolls are just impossible to get, this inanimate camera kind of reminds me of his once animate existence.

Dad left me when I was a Dad myself, so in a way I had had enough of him …But the circumstances he left in…were not decently good. . . . so in that respect I felt, till some time back. . .there was so much left between the two of us...so much of clarification… so much of resentment…. so much of . . . ‘Dad you don't really care for me’ . . .dialogues. . . .It was like, how could you just leave, without settling scores with me.

But then he did. And so did my mother just few days back.

I sometimes feel; there has to be something severely wrong with me; for having not cried when she died. I never had nor have any fond memories with her. All that comprises of memories is… how her only motive in life was that I should not marry outside my community. . . It was her sole purpose till I finally I married! And of course not as per her expectations!! Then her only aim was to make life difficult for me. . .

No chocolates, no pocket money, no lunches with my girlfriend . . . no fond memories at all.

I felt she was completely blindfolded, to not see that her son, daughter –in- law and kids were so happy . . .and no damn religion came between us!

But then she too left, that too when the circumstances weren't decently good. . .

So again I felt cheated, that how could she, like my father, leave just like that without letting me curse her for her behavior towards me . . . without letting me tell her, how unjust she had been to me . . . without letting her know that I hated her as much she hated me . . .

At one point of time in my life I would dread each day …what havoc next would be dished out to me by her . . . next moment I see, she has vanished from the earthly plane.

I could shed a lot of tears for my Dad but it’s been days since she left, the tears refuse to even gather.

I feel; some part of me is so hurt, it doesn't even want to acknowledge it by crying... Coz those tears would be for the hurt, the bitterness towards her and not her loss.

Today, as I type this in solitude, with only my deeper side for company… I realize; it’s so much easier to forgive a person who is living no more.

Both my parents have transcended into a new unknown plane from where they cannot connect, maybe physically, but through the light of the candle on my altar… through the open sky peeping at me . . . through so many different ways… I can feel they have only blessings to give. . . . It’s much easier now for me to accept them with their follies . . . .it’s much easier for me to understand that all deep seeded jargons are not always true. . . putra kuputra ho sakta hai, toh maata bhi insaan hi hai. . .

It’s easier now, for me, to trust them since they are one with our creator and for sure my creator would wish only good for me.

There is this sudden surge in me to let go... just let all the pain, hurt, humiliation, resentment …pour out of my being so that it can make way for light. . , light of love, light of abundance, light of purity, light of forgiveness!

Scores are even Dad! . . . .Mom! No more anger, no more hurt, no more resentment . . . .

I am letting go a big fat part of me which was awful . . . to let in the new . . .

While I type these words Goosebumps cover my skin . . . in a way pointing to your presence in some form around me. . .but tears… God I still can't shed a single . . . maybe something must be wrong with my tear gland. . . .

My son read this … came up to me … hugged me and said…You have poured your heart out… I reciprocated his affection with a hug and said …in Blogging I have found a friend …he looked at me for a while and said …and that too a non-alcoholic one.

Universe is open to giving …but we shut the doors

Abundance is willing to flow… but we block it

Love is all around… but we close our eyes

     Light is waiting to pour in … but are we willing to LET GO?

I am willing to … willing to LET GO… to let in.

nozzer